Title: Talking so people can hear
Discussion Leader: DonGray
Participants:
EricHorlbeck
SusanDavis
MichaelSahota
JasonLittle
JimmyBosse
DawnCannan
AlanHensel
AimmeKeener
LlewellynFalco
DeniseKarbarz
RavikanthKondapalli
SirajSirajuddin
The discussion: In pairs that changed (or not based on what participants chose to do)
* What do you think got in the way when you tried to share with someone else?
* What caused you to shut down and not hear when someone else tried to share?
* How might we approach others so they can hear us?
Does anyone see connections between what shuts us down and what creates problems when we try to talk with people?
We didn't have a chance to see how the above plays into the NLP Communication Presuppositions:
0. We cannot not communicate.
1. The way we communicate affects perception and reception.
2. The meaning of communication lies in the response you get.
3. The one who sets the frame for the communication controls the action.
4. "There is no failure, only feedback."
5. The person with the most flexibility exercises the most influence in the system.
6. Resistance indicates a lack of rapport.
Additional information can be found in Communications Disconnects and Don't Just Do Something, Stand There
Discussion Leader: DonGray
Participants:
EricHorlbeck
SusanDavis
MichaelSahota
JasonLittle
JimmyBosse
DawnCannan
AlanHensel
AimmeKeener
LlewellynFalco
DeniseKarbarz
RavikanthKondapalli
SirajSirajuddin
The discussion: In pairs that changed (or not based on what participants chose to do)
* What do you think got in the way when you tried to share with someone else?
* What caused you to shut down and not hear when someone else tried to share?
* How might we approach others so they can hear us?
What Got In the Way? | |
Becoming combative with audience member, losing trust of audience | Publicly humiliating a boss via contradiction |
Different opinion about importance | Weak agreement to discuss topic |
Lack of respect | Lack of attention |
Detail oriented boss and you say something abstract | Different world views |
Same topic, different agendas | Different values |
Positive other person was incorrect (but he ended up being right) | Misinterpreted non-verbals |
No time to absorb the information | Thought their point was invalid and talked over them |
Drawing premature conclusions | Feedback not working |
Model is wrong leading to misunderstanding |
What Causes Us to Shut Down? | |
Not making sense and not liking clarifying questions | Lose attention if they take too long to explain background |
Long winded story on a completely different topic | Talking of making a decision. Didn't understand so asked for a spreadsheet |
Don't want to have the conversation NOW | When I am criticized or attacked |
Thought person's idea was dumb | Presumed idea of what's coming |
Dogma | Not thinking about what was being said, trying to please |
Not really listening | Different frame of reference |
Other person didn't seek permission for conversation | Not knowing other person well |
Does anyone see connections between what shuts us down and what creates problems when we try to talk with people?
How Might We Approach Others? | |
Know the context, audience, moment | Ask permission to have conversation |
Create dialogue | Fall in love with person before talking |
Ask myself "What can I learn from this person in the conversation about me?" | It doesn't have to be my way - it could be even better |
Listen to what's being said behind the words | Make sure there is time |
Wait for agreement before talking | Make it safe |
Believe other is doing the best job they can | Turn attention outward |
Know MBTI of other person and self | Be up front when "bringing needs" |
Set the context | Let them experience |
Listen to what they are saying | Don't squash with authority |
Lead with reason | Ensure I listen to you the previous time we met |
When talking in a group, remember the whole group | Slow things down when feeling emotional |
Do not force; focus on the people who are receptive | Watch for the temper trigger |
Resolve to speak the truth | congruency,body language matches message |
Have a clear message you want to display | Understand their internal state |
Timing the start of the conversation | Be prepared and clear B.L.U.F |
Understand their language | Listen to them |
Be patient | Take time to prepare |
5 second rule (wait 5 seconds before replying) | Give up/Hockey stick, eh? |
Start with an intent, pay attention and adjust |
We didn't have a chance to see how the above plays into the NLP Communication Presuppositions:
0. We cannot not communicate.
1. The way we communicate affects perception and reception.
2. The meaning of communication lies in the response you get.
3. The one who sets the frame for the communication controls the action.
4. "There is no failure, only feedback."
5. The person with the most flexibility exercises the most influence in the system.
6. Resistance indicates a lack of rapport.
Additional information can be found in Communications Disconnects and Don't Just Do Something, Stand There