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TalkingSoPeopleCanHear

Title: Talking so people can hear

Discussion Leader: DonGray

Participants:
EricHorlbeck
SusanDavis
MichaelSahota
JasonLittle
JimmyBosse
DawnCannan
AlanHensel
AimmeKeener
LlewellynFalco
DeniseKarbarz
RavikanthKondapalli
SirajSirajuddin

The discussion: In pairs that changed (or not based on what participants chose to do)
* What do you think got in the way when you tried to share with someone else?
* What caused you to shut down and not hear when someone else tried to share?
* How might we approach others so they can hear us?

What Got In the Way?
Becoming combative with audience member, losing trust of audiencePublicly humiliating a boss via contradiction
Different opinion about importanceWeak agreement to discuss topic
Lack of respectLack of attention
Detail oriented boss and you say something abstractDifferent world views
Same topic, different agendasDifferent values
Positive other person was incorrect (but he ended up being right)Misinterpreted non-verbals
No time to absorb the informationThought their point was invalid and talked over them
Drawing premature conclusionsFeedback not working
Model is wrong leading to misunderstanding

What Causes Us to Shut Down?
Not making sense and not liking clarifying questionsLose attention if they take too long to explain background
Long winded story on a completely different topicTalking of making a decision. Didn't understand so asked for a spreadsheet
Don't want to have the conversation NOWWhen I am criticized or attacked
Thought person's idea was dumbPresumed idea of what's coming
DogmaNot thinking about what was being said, trying to please
Not really listeningDifferent frame of reference
Other person didn't seek permission for conversationNot knowing other person well

Does anyone see connections between what shuts us down and what creates problems when we try to talk with people?

How Might We Approach Others?
Know the context, audience, momentAsk permission to have conversation
Create dialogueFall in love with person before talking
Ask myself "What can I learn from this person in the conversation about me?"It doesn't have to be my way - it could be even better
Listen to what's being said behind the wordsMake sure there is time
Wait for agreement before talkingMake it safe
Believe other is doing the best job they canTurn attention outward
Know MBTI of other person and selfBe up front when "bringing needs"
Set the contextLet them experience
Listen to what they are sayingDon't squash with authority
Lead with reasonEnsure I listen to you the previous time we met
When talking in a group, remember the whole groupSlow things down when feeling emotional
Do not force; focus on the people who are receptiveWatch for the temper trigger
Resolve to speak the truthcongruency,body language matches message
Have a clear message you want to displayUnderstand their internal state
Timing the start of the conversationBe prepared and clear B.L.U.F
Understand their languageListen to them
Be patientTake time to prepare
5 second rule (wait 5 seconds before replying)Give up/Hockey stick, eh?
Start with an intent, pay attention and adjust


We didn't have a chance to see how the above plays into the NLP Communication Presuppositions:

0. We cannot not communicate.
1. The way we communicate affects perception and reception.
2. The meaning of communication lies in the response you get.
3. The one who sets the frame for the communication controls the action.
4. "There is no failure, only feedback."
5. The person with the most flexibility exercises the most influence in the system.
6. Resistance indicates a lack of rapport.

Additional information can be found in Communications Disconnects and Don't Just Do Something, Stand There


Created by Don. Last Modification: Wednesday, 24 of March, 2010 11:56:02 CET by Don.